Sam Woodfin's Micro

Even the Domestic Partnerships Aren't Created Equally

This is a screenshot from the website of California's secretary of state:

 

For those of you with tiny screens or visual impairments: The text above states that filing for a domestic partnership in the state of California costs $10. Unless it's a same-sex partnership. Then it costs $33. Yep. More than three times as much. Why? Well "...to develop and support a training curriculum specific to lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender domestic abuse support service providers who serve that community in regard to domestic violence, and to provide brochures specific to lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender domestic abuse."

Aer we really beating the hell out of each other more than straight folks are?

 

Someone FINALLY Said It! Thanks, Scott Thompson!

During a recent interview, openly gay Kids in the Hall comedian Scott Thompson had the following controversial words to say to bullying victims:

"Grow a pair. Here's the thing: The world is not kind to us; it never really will be. The gay male is always going to be at the bottom. I believe the things that happened to me as a child scarred me terribly, and I wish somebody would have helped me with some of the things that happened. But you have to fight back."

"So much of these bullying campaigns are part of the trend that we were just talking about - the recasting of gay men as eternal victims and it's like, fight back! Fathers should start teaching the boys how to punch. He does that to you, here's what you do: You f**king punch him in the face."

via perezhilton.com

Perez Hilton may disagree (and you'll have to click through to his blog post to see that he does), but my experience has been that bullies stop bullying when you start fighting back. It was one of the most important lessons my mom ever taught me, in the form of "The next time he hits you, if you don't whoop him, I'm gonna whoop you!"

I suspect it was an idle threat on her part, but it put a quick end to the kid next door slapping me on the front lawn.

*It should be noted that I'm not a gay man, and can't speak to bullying from that perspective. 'Though I suspect that, on some level, bullying is bullying, regardless of the target. And parents should teach kids how to punch, regardless of gender.

Coming Out, Butchness, and Cognitive Claustrophobia

I've been out as a lesbian since I was 17 years old. Making the decision to come out was one of the best things I ever did for myself, and it was not the traumatic experience that I've heard described by so many other gay, lesbian, and bisexual people. This, despite coming out in southeast Missouri,  part of America's Bible Belt, and in a town with a whopping population of 537. I didn't know any gay adults--'though there were some that I, and others, speculated about--and I didn't have access to the wonderful world of the Internet.

And it still went smoothly. So smoothly, in fact, that my best friend and I made a game of it. Our shared coming out experience was reduced to "How many people did you tell today?" and "Ha! Chicken shit! I told more than you did!"

But, over the years, I've come to realize that coming out isn't a process that applies only to same-sex orientations. We are constantly defining ourselves, being defined by others, and consciously deciding what aspects of those definitions we want to share, hide, correct, or let stand. I have to make this sort of decision on a fairly regular basis, for example, when people call me "sir", "son", or "buddy".

Even though I'm not trans, I don't ID as butch, and I really do prefer feminine pronouns, I don't always correct people who misgender me. Sometimes, because it's inconsequential. Sometimes, because the mistake facilitates conversations that wouldn't happen if the other person perceived me as female. And I hate being othered.

But when I do correct someone who perceives me as male, the worst that happens is a bit of embarrassment on their part. That's it. No one argues with me and tries to convince me that I'm male. It just doesn't happen.

The same can't be said for people who ID me as butch. A simple "I don't ID as butch" invariably leads to an argument. People actually try to tell me what I am. And this mislabeling shouldn't matter any more than the binary misgendering where people think I'm a boy. But it does. For a few good reasons:

1. The people who mislabel me as butch tend to be people who are closer to me than the people who mistakenly call me "sir".
2. The people who mislabel me as butch are usually--but not always--women with expectations which, most likely, won't be met.
And, most importantly:
3. The people who mislabel me as butch seem to think that that label comes with a set of rules about what I can or can't wear, whom I can or can't be attracted to, and what I can or can't do with the people I'm attracted to.

That last bit is the kicker. It's every bit as bad as being othered by some guy who thinks that, because I'm female, I don't know how to hold a pocket knife without cutting myself. Or the notion that a female mechanic can't fix your car. That a guy can't babysit, and that gay men can't fight. That people beyond the binary don't exist.

I don't appreciate being put into a behavioral box. Especially one not of my one choosing. I'll wear my camouflage cargo pants and big, black boots when I feel like it. I'll buzz my hair off when it's hot outside. I'll also don my hot pink, leopard print scarf when the urge hits me, and paint my nails when I've got a wild hair. I'll hold doors for you (or anyone else). I'll be delighted if you return the favor. You might be greatly surprised by whom I'm attracted to, and even more surprised by the submissive streak that you most likely don't want to hear about, and that I'm not completely out about, anyway.

Times have changed. What was once the lesbian and gay community became the lesbian, gay, and bisexual community. Then it became the lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans community. Tack on people who are questioning, intersex people and asexual people, and we've made it all the way to LGBTQIA. And, even now, as I write this, I'm wondering if a new letter has been added, and I've inadvertently left someone out. The queer community isn't just lesbians and gays, anymore, the lesbian community isn't just butches and femmes, and whatever rules you've decided apply to people you perceive as butch or femme sure as hell don't apply to me.

Can you argue by way of telling me how butch I look? Sure. I have a mirror. I won't disagree. I'll even go so far as to point out that my mannerisms sometimes aren't any more feminine than my clothes, my hair, my brow ridge or my little blond mustache.

But I'll also point out that to quite a few people, I look like a teenage boy.

And I'm not that, either.